In Giving Feedback, Stick to the Facts and Stress Impact

Originally published in the Indianapolis Business Journal on July 3, 2026.

If someone else took control over your life tomorrow, what would be the first thing they’d change?

Now flip it: What might you change about theirs? Have you ever told them?

For centuries, humans have considered how to tell each other the truth. Confucius (551–479 B.C.) talked extensively about a concept he called “remonstrance,” the moral duty to respectfully speak up in a way that preserved dignity and relationship.

Today, we call this skill “feedback.” And as Confucius contemplated, it still elicits conflict for many. How can I be direct and empathetic? And why are my palms starting to sweat?

We think feedback is all about the other person. But it’s actually all about us. The question for leaders is less about how to get someone else to change and much more about how to increase your willingness to be vulnerable, clear, stay connected and help.

Gallup reports that 80% of employees who received meaningful feedback in the previous week were fully engaged at work. That’s one of the strongest relationships identified between a manager’s behavior and an employee’s emotional commitment.

And yet, Gallup also finds that only about 20% of employees receive regular feedback. Far fewer (5%) believe they receive enough of it, and less than one-third even trust their leaders enough to fully embrace it. In short, we have a long way to go.

Only 5% of employees believe they receive enough feedback

Every age has its defining tools. Five hundred years ago, a sailor needed a compass, and a carpenter needed a hammer. Here at the threshold of the Intelligence Age, the defining tool is the ability to give and receive feedback well.

Three Ways Leaders Get Feedback Wrong

1. Feedback is too subjective.

Feedback reveals more about the giver than the receiver, and subjective adjectives prove it. Never share something that centers on an adjective, such as, “You haven’t been very reliable.” That is your subjective judgment, which is not feedback at all. Stick with nouns and verbs only.

2. The delivery isn’t “brain friendly.”

Feedback tends to fall into two camps: indirect or too direct. When it’s indirect, the brain doesn’t recognize that it’s receiving feedback at all. At best, the person is confused. Too-direct feedback dysregulates the brain and tips the receiver into a protective crouch—lunging forward in defense or shrinking back in retreat.

3. Feedback is avoided altogether.

“I’m just going to let this go,” or, “I need to pick my battles with her,” is really code for, “My comfort is more valuable than the cost of addressing the issue.”

This preserves artificial harmony and accrues conflict debt—the cost of conversations that should have happened but didn’t. And it’s the leader’s fault. The employee often has no idea.

In my work with leadership teams, the avoided conversation is almost always the expensive one.

I know you want to be able to give consistent, meaningful and effective feedback. Here’s a simple five-part formula that holds up under pressure.

A Five-Step Formula for Better Feedback

1. “Now or later?”

Ask permission before giving feedback. Say something like, “Do you have 10 minutes to talk about how that meeting went?”

This one question lets the brain know feedback is coming, which gives the receiver a sense of agency.

2. Center on observable behavior.

Using only nouns and verbs, describe what a camera would have recorded. Instead of, “I feel like you should be more prepared,” cite the objective behavior that’s evidence of what’s bothering you.

For example: “When we met with the client yesterday at 4 p.m., I noticed that you had to leave the meeting twice to get the materials we needed for our discussion.”

3. Micro-pause.

In step two, you stuck to facts without emotion. Pause here to gauge the feedback receiver for agreement before moving on. There should be no sting of surprise.

4. Behavior and impact.

Name how the behavior you saw varies from the behavior you expected to see and, most important, link the behavior to its impact on you, the team or the organization.

5. “How might we?”

Always end with an open-ended question that drives ownership, such as, “How might we…?” This puts you on the same side of the table as the team member, inspiring joint problem-solving and commitment—not just compliance.

Where to Start

This exact same formula works for positive feedback. And that’s the best place to start.

Try it this week on something someone did well. Practicing on the easy conversations builds the muscle you’ll need for the harder ones.

Conflict debt compounds.

Every conversation you avoid accrues interest in the form of confusion, resentment, gossip and lost trust. Eventually, someone pays that bill.

If you’re regularly frustrated by the people around you, ask yourself the harder question:

What truth have I been unwilling (or simply unprepared) to tell?

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Let’s talk about the impact of feedback.